Bucket List

Yesterday was Christmas. I would definitely say that it was exhausting, but I enjoyed spending time with my family and especially loved the reactions of my children. They genuinely seemed to relish every little thing. Among our gifts to each other, my husband got me a pack of cards that are full of questions designed to initiate "intimate" conversations. I love items like this, because they take pressure off of coming up with topics and sometimes keep my husband and I from staring at each other in utterly drained silence. (He embodies the strong, stoic, silent type.) We tried some out last night, and the very first question just absolutely stumped me. 

The question was about items on each of our bucket lists. We were supposed to come up with five. Thankfully I was not alone in my disconcertion, although that husband of mine definitely came up with three more quickly than I was able to get to one. When he managed to add a fourth, the pressure was really on. I told him that it was hard to think about the things that I want right now, because a big thing that I once wanted was recently turned upside down. It was also difficult to think of things that were not dependent on other people (e.g. "seeing my kids graduate from high school," which actually runs in conflict with what I really want for my kids, which is to see them happy and successful on their own terms. Also, that desire isn't really in the spirit of a bucket list item).

What I finally came up with is a daydream that I have had on occasion. In my private thoughts I have toyed with the idea of building enough quilt stock to participate in a craft show. Right now it is hard for me to complete one quilt, but if I stuck to something simple and small, like baby quilts, I think I could do it. I guess this goal being a part of my bucket list means that it is something that I would do before I "kick the bucket", but therein lies some of the intimacy of this question. I don't like bucket lists to begin with. Who is to say that I don't "kick the bucket" tomorrow? Then there are these things lingering out there that people can look at and say, "she never got to ____ like she wanted, how sad!"

Is that really necessary? I mean, goals are good, but I feel like goals are a different mindset. Further into our questions, we came across one that asked how we imagined our future families as young people. Both of us admitted that we never gave it much thought. I always pictured children for myself (and ironically loved the idea of two older boys and a youngest girl), but didn't think much further than "no drinking, no hitting" as criteria for a mate. Speaking of my children, one of them is currently badgering me to get off of my blog, so I guess this is the conclusion to my musing.

To be Continued...

Once upon a time, I maintained a blog called "Clarity for my Quarterlife". I wrote from about the age of 22 to 26. It was a time of significant growth in my life. I used my blog to navigate my way through trauma and a slew of maladaptive habits and was often able to find my way to a place of better understanding. Despite how good it was to write, my maturity was stunted at that time. There were simply too many things that I understood in a way that was too different from healthy. I feel like I am living a completely different life compared to the course I was on in my twenties, and that is in a completely unexpected and blissful way.

Writing is a worthwhile hobby, and something that I can enjoy while benefitting from it. I have named this project "Tangible Thirty-ish",  because I am nearing the end of my thirties (so, -ish), and I would like to write in a way that touches others. A huge, perhaps not-so-hidden part of who I am is anxiety, major depression, and trauma. My comfort zone usually runs in abysmal conflict with what is healthy, and I am currently on an active journey of becoming more self assured and actualized. I expect that it may mean that the way I touch others through writing may range from humane to visceral. As the cliché inexactly goes: you can't make growth staying in your comfort zone. 

One thing is for certain though (and I'm already making myself uncomfortable by asserting this), this blog is about me. I have the thoughts, I have the feelings, I have the opinions. I am the curator?