Gratitude

 My workplace has this web subscription called BetterUp, that I peruse about once a week. Today my assignment was on the topic of cultivating gratitude. 

I was pleased to see that I am actually kind of good at one of the areas that was suggested. I am often able to find the strengths possessed by the people that I like least in the world, which allows me to feel some empathy toward them. Although it is sometimes hard to give credit to those who have harmed or wronged me in some way, it is comforting to know that we all have something to bring to the table for the greater good.

An area that I have been struggling with lately is gratitude for the crappy situations that have lead me to where I am right now. I go through cycles where I brood over things that I absolutely cannot change, and as much as I wish I had responded differently (to the improvement or detriment of the situations) there is really nothing that I can do about it. Sometimes I feel ill at ease with these things, and sometimes they still really upset me. 

What BetterUp suggests is that you look at those dumpster fires and be grateful for them, because without them, you wouldn't be where you are now. It's a hard thing to do, but it rings very true to me right now! I really love my job, and although I miss my students and my summers, I think I am where I need to be. I am enjoying the process of making connections and lending my experience to support the health of my community. It feels good to be regularly praised by my peers and supervisors for my contributions, and to offer that support in return. I feel included here. The social and societal pressure of being a professional educator does not weigh on me as heavily here. There are opportunities for me to grow and make professional moves with greater ease here. I feel fairly treated and compensated here. I am grateful for these things.

I think sometimes I feel a little bit guilty, because I left behind something that at one time I truly loved. There are still people that I greatly admire practicing a career that I need a real breather from. At one point in time I joked about never leaving my original sixth grade position until death do we part... but everything changes, and maybe the real message is supposed to be that for better or worse, almost everything happens for a reason.

Take Away This Anxiety

 When I was in college, the Black-Eyed Peas put out their album, Elephunk. I found it on the second story of this cool, funky record store (a breed of retail that was taking its dead gasps) and listened to it on repeat for months. One of the songs that gets stuck in my head in times of stress and anxiety is the aptly titled "Anxiety", which features Papa Roach.

Even thinking about that memory gives me anxiety. I am almost 19 years removed from buying that album, and sometimes I feel like I have wasted a fair amount of the time in between. Trying to do the right things to heal from trauma, but still not understanding how my conditioning effected my relationships. I eventually moved through things, but I keep looping back to these times that I feel out of control. At this point I know that it is not just trauma, but mental illness. My main concern at this point in my life is that I don't alienate my husband or transfer the ugly parts of me onto my children.

The Elusive "Why?"

We have had an excellent plumber coming in and out of our house for about the last month. First, we had water main issues; and then, right as everyone was heading back to work and school our water heater went out. He is a big talker, nearing retirement, so he has a lot of stories to tell. Thankfully, he is pleasant and congenial, so I enjoy conversing with him.

Today he told me a story about finding a $35 fix for a woman who kept having her basement flood. She had a few estimates for thousands of dollars for people to come in and dig around her foundation to waterproof it. He said that one of his favorite parts of the job is solving problems like that. He said that he could have spent his career at one business or establishment, but that he likes going out and meeting different people and helping them. He said that anyone seeking a plumber is probably not having the best day, so he does his best to go into every job with a smile on his face.

As he spoke, I was impressed. This is a person who has a firm grasp on his "why".

I wish I could think straight, but every time I get any kind of creative thought the kids have their own creative thoughts to share.

Welcome to the New Normal

I didn't sleep well last night.

I was incredibly nervous about the fact that my son was going back to school today, while I was not. I also received a text message about the last piece of my employment. I had intended on addressing that piece today, but for the second time, my bumbling (ex)boss decided to send me a message on a Sunday. I then proceeded to watch the movie "The Unforgivable", which triggered my mommy anxiety even further. I was surprised that a tight cuddle squeeze from my husband helped somewhat.

Today I am a little tired, but okay. A variety of mishaps have happened, including the washing machine going on the fritz and the hot water heater springing a leak, but that same super supportive husband took care of my boss business and investigated the hot water heater over his lunch break. I am so grateful for him right now. I can finally breathe a small sigh of relief that all obligations to my former employer have ended. Things with the babies are manageable. This is our new normal.

Bucket List

Yesterday was Christmas. I would definitely say that it was exhausting, but I enjoyed spending time with my family and especially loved the reactions of my children. They genuinely seemed to relish every little thing. Among our gifts to each other, my husband got me a pack of cards that are full of questions designed to initiate "intimate" conversations. I love items like this, because they take pressure off of coming up with topics and sometimes keep my husband and I from staring at each other in utterly drained silence. (He embodies the strong, stoic, silent type.) We tried some out last night, and the very first question just absolutely stumped me. 

The question was about items on each of our bucket lists. We were supposed to come up with five. Thankfully I was not alone in my disconcertion, although that husband of mine definitely came up with three more quickly than I was able to get to one. When he managed to add a fourth, the pressure was really on. I told him that it was hard to think about the things that I want right now, because a big thing that I once wanted was recently turned upside down. It was also difficult to think of things that were not dependent on other people (e.g. "seeing my kids graduate from high school," which actually runs in conflict with what I really want for my kids, which is to see them happy and successful on their own terms. Also, that desire isn't really in the spirit of a bucket list item).

What I finally came up with is a daydream that I have had on occasion. In my private thoughts I have toyed with the idea of building enough quilt stock to participate in a craft show. Right now it is hard for me to complete one quilt, but if I stuck to something simple and small, like baby quilts, I think I could do it. I guess this goal being a part of my bucket list means that it is something that I would do before I "kick the bucket", but therein lies some of the intimacy of this question. I don't like bucket lists to begin with. Who is to say that I don't "kick the bucket" tomorrow? Then there are these things lingering out there that people can look at and say, "she never got to ____ like she wanted, how sad!"

Is that really necessary? I mean, goals are good, but I feel like goals are a different mindset. Further into our questions, we came across one that asked how we imagined our future families as young people. Both of us admitted that we never gave it much thought. I always pictured children for myself (and ironically loved the idea of two older boys and a youngest girl), but didn't think much further than "no drinking, no hitting" as criteria for a mate. Speaking of my children, one of them is currently badgering me to get off of my blog, so I guess this is the conclusion to my musing.

To be Continued...

Once upon a time, I maintained a blog called "Clarity for my Quarterlife". I wrote from about the age of 22 to 26. It was a time of significant growth in my life. I used my blog to navigate my way through trauma and a slew of maladaptive habits and was often able to find my way to a place of better understanding. Despite how good it was to write, my maturity was stunted at that time. There were simply too many things that I understood in a way that was too different from healthy. I feel like I am living a completely different life compared to the course I was on in my twenties, and that is in a completely unexpected and blissful way.

Writing is a worthwhile hobby, and something that I can enjoy while benefitting from it. I have named this project "Tangible Thirty-ish",  because I am nearing the end of my thirties (so, -ish), and I would like to write in a way that touches others. A huge, perhaps not-so-hidden part of who I am is anxiety, major depression, and trauma. My comfort zone usually runs in abysmal conflict with what is healthy, and I am currently on an active journey of becoming more self assured and actualized. I expect that it may mean that the way I touch others through writing may range from humane to visceral. As the cliché inexactly goes: you can't make growth staying in your comfort zone. 

One thing is for certain though (and I'm already making myself uncomfortable by asserting this), this blog is about me. I have the thoughts, I have the feelings, I have the opinions. I am the curator?