When I was in college, the Black-Eyed Peas put out their album, Elephunk. I found it on the second story of this cool, funky record store (a breed of retail that was taking its dead gasps) and listened to it on repeat for months. One of the songs that gets stuck in my head in times of stress and anxiety is the aptly titled "Anxiety", which features Papa Roach.
Even thinking about that memory gives me anxiety. I am almost 19 years removed from buying that album, and sometimes I feel like I have wasted a fair amount of the time in between. Trying to do the right things to heal from trauma, but still not understanding how my conditioning effected my relationships. I eventually moved through things, but I keep looping back to these times that I feel out of control. At this point I know that it is not just trauma, but mental illness. My main concern at this point in my life is that I don't alienate my husband or transfer the ugly parts of me onto my children.
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